Tobii

mynamespride @ 2009-12-29T03:08:00

2009-12-29T08:08:13Z

This is the face of being intolerably stressed and fucked off.

Drama has been following me everywhere, with everyone. No matter where I am or what I do, something explodes in my face. I haven't even done much more this month than sit in my room and write.

My book is... something. The story is coming along well, so easily. There was a time when I thought 2k words a day was impossible but now I'm pushing 3 and 4 thousand without a thought. It's not very well written, though. By that I just mean that I haven't given much thought to the words I'm selecting. It's easier that way. I'll just go and rewrite it all later, but without thinking about the vocabulary it's become exponentially easier to get a story out without cockblocking myself. I'm proud of it, only for the fact that it's about 100 pages thus far. Plus, it looks really, really nice when it's formatted.

I've been obsessed with the idea that I'm not accomplishing anything though, which has been pissing me off unimaginably. I still can't find a job or go to school, so until I've got at least 500 perfect pages published I'm afraid I'll jsut be intolerable to everyone around me. Then all of this drama, people who think I have the time to fuck around with what I did to piss them off or who said what, it's just put me over the edge.

I've had to delete my Facebook, and my account at the Cult, after seven fucking years, just to escape the nonsense.

So now I have very, very few people to talk to, which is making me even MORE of a miserable prick, but that's all fine and good as long as they keep to themselves and don't try to distract me with whatever annoys them about me.

I'm a big grumpy motherfucker, I know. I've always told people, I'm not a very good human, maybe now they'll understand.

It's like when Brittany told me, "I used to want to be you, and then I realized for some reason, everyone fucking hates you."

mynamespride @ 2009-12-28T01:29:00

2009-12-28T06:29:48Z

Guess who is getting a Chinese Hamster soon?!

Marc found one! I feel bad, I've been so mean to him for being grumpy, and he found one after I couldn't find any.
(This isn't the exact same Hamster, but it's mad funny.)

Help me name him!

Because he's Asian, this is my list so far:

Sushi
Pocky
The Chairman
Morimoto
Godzirra
Liu Kang
Uzumaki (Although I was saving this name for my snail, it looks like they're illegal in NY.)
Ti-tun ("Kickass")
Eggwoll.

mynamespride @ 2009-12-26T01:36:00

2009-12-26T06:36:24Z

Christmas loot!

I'll be waiting up for Santa like I did last year
But my brother says, "He's already here."
He's stuck up in the chimney,
and he doesn't say a word.

I escaped with some cute clothing, perfume from Taylor, and my new bag. His girlfriend bought me a ring I have to take a better picture of something, a silver monarch with a diamond in the middle.

Some books a friend sent me, which I wrapped just to fill space under the tree, even though I've already half read them, a cute coat with Navy-esque buttons, and Taylor got me a horror DVD that actually has incredible movies on it. After the usual festivities, we sat in my room and watched Night of The Living Dead (still in black and white, it's impossible to find it on DVD unless it's been recolored.)

They bought me a Christian Audigier hoody that I wouldn't have picked for myself, but it's really really pretty and I DO love it, although I hate that they paid so much for a piece of clothing.

Shoes.

And, the real reason I made this post was to use my favorite best thing ever, not just to brag.

Upgraded from a Sigma 28-70 to a Nikon 18-105.

Eee! What'd you guys get?

mynamespride @ 2009-12-13T23:37:00

2009-12-14T04:37:20Z

Girl, if you're reading this:

You are a batshit crazy person.

mynamespride @ 2009-12-12T03:44:00

2009-12-12T08:44:12Z

There's a field that begins at the east end of a dark but shallow forest, hard to tell you without being able to show you. It's a dead field but it's a high field, and it's so vast that there's no sky line, no tree line, just hills of field from top to bottom forever. It's dead and yellow and brown but everything in it is neat, organzied in plots. I'm somewhere in the middle, and I'm wandering.

There are scarcrows ten feet high, built of black tarps with faces like burnt and rotting pumpkins. The tarps billow around them and there's living tissue, sinew and tendons and black muscle beneath and curling around the fabric in places. They're scarecrows and I know who built them, but they're very much alive and they move and twist when I pass them, thrashing their heads back and forth slowly and stretching their jaws.

There are things that run by, toward the forest to the west. Dwarves. Not fairy tale dwarves, just midgets, with dark skin. The man who makes the scarecrows dodges in and out of them, from between the tarps smiling.

There's a bridge between the forest and the field. When I get there, the man who builds the scarecrows is standing on the far end. He catches the dwarves with rope stretched taut like trip wire and laughs. He drags them inside the scarecrows.

mynamespride @ 2009-11-28T03:13:00

2009-11-28T08:13:32Z

I just found out I've been having grand mal seizures in my sleep. I don't know what this means, I mean I do, but I don't know how/if it's going to effect me.

Alias: Blue Belyakov

2009-11-19T12:27:13Z

mynamespride @ 2009-11-19T07:22:00

2009-11-19T12:22:24Z

I had a really long week that flew by really fast.

I found my favorite teeshirt from when I was 14 though. I got it at Trash! American Style and it was huge, so I cut it to fit, which obviously it no longer does.

It's weird how things are crawling out of the wood work EVERYWHERE.

Harry wants me to help him with the MySpace for his music project, The High Plains Drifter, which is cool as fuck, albeit a little left field since I haven't spoken to him since Freshman year of high school when me and Dani Doukas shaved his head in our underwear . . . There's foreshadowing in there. Anyway, he says he'll give me album credit but I really just want something to do.

The Walkabout annual reunion is on Wednesday, and I'm nervous! It's the first year I won't be going with Brittany, she's got tests to do all day I guess. Shawn Pierpoint wants to hang out afterward, which would be fun, but again, he just popped out of nowhere for the first time since high school! We've got kind of a shady history since Walkabout, but I'm hoping that it's all under the watery bridge, and shit.

I've had too many little projects lately. I haven't been writing, really, I just don't have the alone time or cigarettes for it. (It's 7 am, I've been up all night applying for jobs and writing/rewriting resumes and cover letters, and I'm DYING without any.)

I've been trying to compile a complete little set of Walkabout pictures, edit them, and upload them somewhere, but I have around 100-200 pictures so it's going to take FOREVER.

I took some pictures of Brittany, and I've been slowly but surely editing them. The lighting was not so great so it's hard to correct it without looking over shopped. It's a delicate balance but I have like 100 of those to go through.

My grandparents were away ALL goddamned week, so Marc stayed over. It was nice as Hell, just ate and slept and watched Carnivale between complete panic attacks about Slenderman.

There's other shit I'm working on too, but I'm nervous because I'm tired and can't remember what it is, so I'm neglecting it.

I can't believe Christmas is coming (wasn't it JUST my birthday?) and I don't have a job. I don't know what I'm going to do for gifts for everyone. I want to make my grandparents new cabinet doors for the bathroom cabinet. They're broken and rusted and falling apart. I remember little to none about woodworking from when I worked with my father, so to Google I go!

I went through my old toys from when I was little, and I found a Beany Baby worth like $250-$400 so I'm going to try to auction it for some money, if I can find anyone who fuckin' wants it! (Good luck, right?)

I've been trying to draw a little scribble every day just to retrain my eyes and hands. Nothing interesting so far.

Winter is moving in like 5 days or less. I think maybe like, 2. She keeps changing the date. I'm really upset but I'm happy for her, but it's weird to watch even the closest people drift away like nothing. I thought her living in Jersey sucked but Florida is much much farther. I officially can count the people I know in real life on one hand now! I still don't know if I have the means, time, energy or bravery to make new friends though. I got really weird after I moved back to Westchester, didn't I?

mynamespride @ 2009-11-08T06:43:00

2009-11-08T11:47:12Z

Oh, and this is really embarrassing, but I'm a big nerd and wanted to show off what's in the box of comics at the foot of my bed, so I made a video. I get really nervous about talking to a computer, so I know I say a few things backwards and words like "funner." I watched it back once and I was embarrassed at my lack of Englishing.

If anyone knows a good website to appraise comics, let me know, because I can't find that collectors edition of the first X-men on any website, and I want to know what it's worth (probably not a ton, but interested in seeing how much it increases in value by the time I have kids!)

It's really long, like twenty minutes, and boring if you don't care about comics!

Comics from tobii six on Vimeo.

mynamespride @ 2009-11-08T06:25:00

2009-11-08T11:42:25Z

I've been really sick. Marc got sick and of course as much as I avoided it, I got it too.
Hopefully not the SWINE FLU like everyone else, and just the old school regular flu.

I've been really stressed out too, I thought Winter was someone I could trust, and without getting into it, she and my brother only proved her ultimate stupidity and complete inability to make any smart decision for the hundredth time. As much as I love her, I just can't put up with her constantly proving how immature and unable she is to make adult decisions, or even logical ones. Especially when she does exactly the opposite of what I trust her to do, and puts my little brother in danger. Fuck that. You can't pretend to be 16 forever, eventually you've got to be accountable for the shit you do. Especially when you've been living on your own for a while.

I was awake until 11 am, uncomfortable yesterday, and in the morning I went outside with my camera. The whole backyard is covered in leaves, and I wanted to play in them. My throat started to close up and my lung shut down, I figured it was because of the mold and that it was 26 degrees outside (because of my lungs, I can't go outside in near freezing temperatures,) but when I got back inside it just got worse and worse, and a headache so bad I could barely see. I feel a bit better now, but I'm waiting to see how the day progresses. My head hurts a bunch, but that might be because I haven't slept.

Ah well, I have to remember to update this thing more often, I always forget until weeks go by and I have too much to say for one entry. I'm going to go play Toejam and Earl until I fall asleep. I got tired of new games, so I downloaded a Sega Genesis emulator, (Yeah, Yeah, I gave up on Nintember...) but I forgot you can't save Sega games! You have to beat the whole thing at once or fuck off! I usually play a level before I get bored and give up. Oh well. Jammin'!

Jammin' on the one, jam-jammin' on the one.

mynamespride @ 2009-11-04T23:16:00

2009-11-05T04:25:10Z

I got a new cord for my laptop, hurrah!

I haven't been doing much though. Writing a new story I kind of like, just because it's fun to think about, playing around with technology. Went to the mall today and spent hours in the pet shop. Life is getting really goddamned dull.

Hopefully, Sean is going to get me my job back at the bookstore. Cross your fingers, please! Everyone I know is either not in school, or hates the school they go to. No one can find a job. I don't know what people out there are clinging to, but when I'm bored with all of my hobbies, I just sleep. I can only write when everyone is out or asleep because I'm weird, and I was actually proud I managed to write 3,000 words the other night before I got freaked out.

I haven't been taking pictures, since my computer has been out of commission, and it sucks. Halloween just RAINED and POURED and no one was even out, I still have all of the candy they wanted to give out, and we drove around and only saw maybe 3 trick or treaters. Even Sleepy Hollow and White Plains were ghost towns.

I don't have anything interesting or intelligent to say or post. I was awake until 11 am, so I'm all weird.

Here's an MS Paint masterpiece!

mynamespride @ 2009-10-29T21:36:00

2009-10-30T01:38:43Z

Oh! I said I'd post a video and forgot. I recorded it to post at The Cult, so there's some things that no one but you Cultguys will understand. It's really boring and I wasn't feeling well. I look lazy and you can hear that I have a bad cold, but I thought I'd post it anyway, since I have a webcam now. Have fun listening to me talk to myself!

Also: I seldom say "niggas" in real life. I said it because it's kind of a joke how much everyone else says it. I know I sound like a tool.

mynamespride @ 2009-10-29T21:22:00

2009-10-30T01:33:33Z

Ugh, lawdy. I've been so so busy lately.

In short:

Made ghosts for the porch! Found a dead cat on my lawn! Got tattooed on some random guy (?)! Jim's painting of me is hanging in Coffee Labs! I had too many (1) mocha! Trick R Treat, see it!

I made all these little ghosts for the porch since I'm too broke to afford real Halloween decorations. I love them so much, but I drove by a house that had better ones downtown, and I'm so jealous!

Also, when I walked around the house the other day, I was so sad. I found this guy dead, just laying there. I don't know what happened to him, I think he was poisoned. He looked so perfect. I put him in a box, but the box fell apart in the rain, and when I tried to put him in a nicer one to bury him in, he was stiff, and I almost cried because I didn't want to crunch him in there. I'm so so sad. But at the same time, I really want to keep his skull once he's all done decomposing. I know, I'm a tad fucked.

I'm in art everywhere today, it's really weird! The painting Jim did of me last spring is hanging up in Coffee Labs. I'm really excited and nervous because it's in Sleepy Hollow, which is the Halloween capital of America, next to Salem, and so many people are going to see it. I got a mocha while I was there, and forgot to get decaf, so I'm freaking out hyper and shakey, I always forget coffee doesn't agree with me until it's too late.

Also, a week ago someone asked permission to use a picture I drew for a tattoo, said they found it on DeviantArt. Of course I said yes, it was such a compliment. But I didn't realize until a couple of days ago that it's a picture I drew of ME! I'm on someone I don't know FOREVER. It's part of a Misfits sleeve. It's so goddamned flattering and awesome, but I'm really having a panic attack about it and I don't know why.

That's about all I can think of right now, I have to get back to working on this story while it's in my head. Someone important said it reminded them of Mary Shelley, which is really cool and actually giving me a lot of hope for it as opposed to before, even though it needs a lot of work.

Also! Trick 'r Treat is the best Halloween movie EVER. I watched it this morning because I couldn't sleep, and I'm so in love with it. Sam, the little Burlaphead killer, is too adorable to handle.

I played with makeup last night, feeling Halloweeny, and tried to do a sugarskullesue thing, so I'll leave you with that.

Also, Lee is still the biggest cunt ever and is just getting BETTER at it but that's old news and so boring and goddamned frustrating that I can't handle it.

mynamespride @ 2009-10-23T23:53:00

2009-10-24T03:55:21Z

The weapons I wield against the world are forged from the truths you're unable to acknowledge. Sometimes in haste, vigorously. These are the ones that explode in my hands, tear my palms off when I fire.

Tomorrow I'll glue together the pieces of the things I've shattered and paint over the cracks. But not you.

mynamespride @ 2009-10-21T02:02:00

2009-10-21T06:04:01Z

and you can almost hear an audible zip when two weeks of fully ignorant bliss gets carried off in a body bag

All over again, now we obsess.

mynamespride @ 2009-10-10T03:27:00

2009-10-10T07:35:51Z

This is a quick character sketch I did for the comic series I'm writing, of one of the vigilante types. Everyone keeps saying he looks like Psycho Mantis from Metal Gear solid. I want to keep the gas mask for plot purposes, but I don't know how else to differentiate. I think he'll always have the same color scheme reflected in the eyeparts, which will be fun to play with. Sometimes it'll be the sky, or fire, or whatever I can put near him to reflect. Kind of a gimick but whatever! I really wish I had a scanner, doing everything from scratch without a mouse sucks!

I think I'll have to revisit it, and rewrite most of it, now that I've been working on my scifi story and I can make the plot more seamless. My biggest problem before was that I had ideas for scenes but no real concept of how to connect them, which is why I wanted to make it a comic series in the first place.

I'm thinking about posting bits of my story every so often for feedback, but I don't know. I feel like people don't like to read tons of text, haha. Oh, and I'm not supposed to be writing any more, so it's a secret. I got angry and twittered about how I'm done with it FOREVER and I feel lame for being dramatic.

Also, I need more twitter friends so feel free to follow me!

http://twitter.com/xTobiix

mynamespride @ 2009-10-07T10:36:00

2009-10-07T14:38:01Z

mynamespride @ 2009-10-06T02:37:00

2009-10-06T06:38:44Z

I feel pathetic.

Lee is literally ruining my life. It might already be completely ruined.

I'm really not kidding, someone needs to get hurt.

mynamespride @ 2009-10-05T14:57:00

2009-10-05T19:01:52Z

Lee is such a scumbag I'm literally hyperventilating.

I don't know what to do, I want to send dogs to eat his fucking heart. I have never been so infuriated as the last few hours. Never in my fucking life have I wanted to physically harm someone, and now I'm just buzzing and i can't sleep until some fucking hideous tragedy befalls this fat ass.

He's such a manipulative, jealous little bitch. He's going out of his way to try to sabotage my life because he's jealous of me. He's doing a pretty good fucking job of it, too. This is far beyond Oedipal and on a whole new level. I'm buzzing, buzzing, buzzing.

I literally can not remember a time when I've been this pissed at a single human being.

Something bad needs to happen today.

. . . Brooklyn!

2009-10-05T15:09:20Z

I think you heard me just fine, Punchy.

2009-10-04T04:03:34Z

I feel really antagonistic lately.

It seems like everyone goes really far out of their way to piss me off, but that's how villains usually think. I could be an okay villain. I've got enough costumes and glares to go around for a while. I can live off lounging, lamenting, and ripping the Righteous and Just apart. Probably for a long while.

It's strange how I feel hate, fear, and love in my ankles. Run, fuck, or fight. Blahblahblah. It's boring after all this time.

I just don't understand how people act without thinking.

The ones that do think before they do something terrible, probably justify it right off the bat without realizing that if you have to justify something, you're going to piss someone off.

The stupid ones just never learn, and the intelligent think there's nothing left to learn, anyway.

All & nothing's fair in this war.

mynamespride @ 2009-10-02T03:36:00

2009-10-02T07:43:16Z

My camera broke, and I can't write about anything that's really happening in my life.

So from now on, for a while, I'm just going to post a few pictures I like, every day.

I don't know how I'll live without a camera.

I might have to rob someone.

mynamespride @ 2009-09-28T02:52:00

2009-09-28T06:53:16Z

This is my favorite thing ever.

New Halloween idea: Sexy Patrick Bateman

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

mynamespride @ 2009-09-28T02:13:00

2009-09-28T06:41:25Z

I've been really sick lately, so I haven't been posting at all. AT ALL.

But I've been trying to do things to make myself feel better. Me and Marc went ice skating, and I discovered I know how! I didn't fall, but Mr. Hockey did, so I felt like a big kid.

We also went to the farm I volunteered at, and the chickens were weirdly entranced by Marc.

They just followed him and stared at him until one caught a frog and they all played chicken football with it.
I wanted to go around the garden me and Brit and everyone worked on, but Marc was afraid of the bees. I accidentally took this picture, though, I think they're way too cute to be afraid of.

I don't know what to be for halloween! I have way too many costumes, now. I'll probably dress up each day of the week, and I'll definately go as Cute-Freddy to the Graveyard. Jesse posted a picture of the new Aztec part he's been working on all year, it's going to be incredible as always. I'm so fucking excited for Fried Bat Wings, holy shit. I also can't wait to see how many bitches dress up as Lady Gaga this year. It's going to be hysterical and embarrassing.

I want to decorate my house, my porch is great for decorating, but I'm broke this year, so I'm trying to think of things to do for cheap, I'll buy a blacklight bulb, and make those little tissue ghosts for the trees, and maybe buy some of that spiderweb stuff, although we have enough spiders to do it themselves. I got home the other day, and my fish were dead, and before me and grandma could give them a proper Viking funeral, we found a giant brown recluse on the ceiling!

But RIP Salmon Dancers.

I feel so bad, they were white and their little gills were so dark. I think grandma must have killed them somehow, but she was sad about it, so I can't be upset. Time to plan for a new buddy.

mynamespride @ 2009-09-23T21:16:00

2009-09-24T01:18:17Z

I found my Catwoman mask.

I want to stitch it up proper before Halloween

I also went ice skating today, but I don't have pictures because I was busy trying not to fall on my ass. I didn't, it worked.